Grovor's Blog

(Webmaster's note: Grovor himself will be updating this page regularly, so check back often.)

BLOG: February 10, 2012 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! Mingo keeps asking me how I can keep going to Las Vegas without taking my wife. You know… Ol' Fat Ass? Well, let me tell ya, I tried it one time and vowed never to do it again!

The first day she played Blackjack all day. That night she was dreaming and woke me out of a sound sleep hollerin', "Hit me! Hit me!", and laid back down!

The second day she played Craps all day. That night she dreamed again and again woke me out of a sound sleep hollerin', "7 come 11! 7 come 11!", and laid back down!

Now you'd think that would be enough, right? Bullshit!

The third day she played the slots all day. That night I got drunk as hell and slept like a baby all through the night. But when I woke up, my dick hurt like hell and I had an asshole full of quarters!

And Mingo wonders why I never take her to Vegas no more!

Ain't that the shits?

BLOG: November 25, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here!

It's Black Friday. I ate so much on Thanksgiving Day that I had to loosen the buckle on my watch! That means its time to repost my annual Christmas Blog. Click here to read it... and make sure you check out my buddy, Chet, at the end of the story!

‎BLOG: September 9, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here!

I was in an elevator a few days ago and these two surgeons get on with me. They are discussing who makes the easiest patients to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest, everything inside them is color coded."

The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

I said, "You dumbasses are both wrong." The first doctor says to me, "Oh, yeah, buddy? Who do YOU think are the easiest patients to operate on?"

I said, "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... plus, their heads and the asses are interchangeable!"

They both got off on the next floor while I laughed my ass off!

BLOG: August 10, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here!

While I was in Las Vegas, I went to a friend's house for dinner. This guy had just bought a "Lie Detector Robot" that slaps people when they lie! He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?" my friend asked his boy. The son says, "I was at school, Dad!" and the damn Robot slapped the son!

"Okay, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the boy said. "What dvd?" his Dad asked... "Toy
story." ... and the Robot slapped the son again!

"Alright, it was a porno" cries the son. His Dad yells, "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" The Robot then slaps the dad!

The boy's Mom starts laughing, "HaHaHa! He certainly is YOUR son." ... and the Robot slaps the mom!

Needless to say, dinner and my visit ended fast. I left laughing my ass off!

BLOG: April 8, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! Check out this asshole who tried to be funny by streaking in front of his friends! Made me laugh so hard I pissed myself!

BLOG: March 22, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! Are youtired of those stupid-ass “friendship” poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this… just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

~ When you are sad ~
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

~ When you are blue ~
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

~ When you smile ~
I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

~ When you are scared ~
I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're not.

~ When you are worried ~
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

~ When you are confused ~
I will try to use only little words.

~ When you are sick ~
Stay the hell away from me until you het better. I don't want whatever you have.

~ When you fall ~
I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

This is my oath…
I pledge it to the end.
“Why?” you may ask?
Because I’m your goddamned friend!

And remember...
Friendship is like peeing your pants…
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

BLOG: March 1, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! My daughter and her husband came to visit last week. Had the grandkids with them. Their son reminds me of myself, and since it was so nice out the other day, I took him out to show him how to fly a kite!

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, Ol' Fat Ass is watching from the kitchen window with my daughter, telling her how I always need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail, idiot!"

I turned with a confused look on my face, and then said to my grandson, "I wish she'd make up her mind. Last night she told me to go fly a kite!"

Ain't that the shits!

BLOG: February 15, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! You've all seen David Letterman's Top 10 Lists. Well, here is one of my my own:

Top 10 Reasons You Know You're From Las Vegas

#10. You can wear shorts in the winter.

# 9. When you go to other cities, you're amazed things don't stay open past 9:00 pm.

# 8. You laugh at people taking pictures in from of the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign.

# 7. You know the spaghetti bowl has nothing to do with food and you want no part of it!

# 6. Last Call? What the hell is "Last Call"?

# 5. You know how to get to any casino on the strip without taking Las Vegas Blvd.

#4. You actually get bored in the Entertainment Capitol of the World.

#3. You have to walk through a casino to see a movie.

#2. You think a well-organized pile of rocks can be a nice lawn.

And the #1 reason you know you're from Las Vegas is...........

#1. You are outraged to pay more than $9.99 for Prime Rib & Lobster Tail.

BLOG: January 15, 2011 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. As you know, my "Sugar Momma Rita" has been putting me up at the Tropicana in Las Vegas the past couple weeks. I'm having a blast... except for last night! I am now barred from the MGM Hotel and Casino. Here's what happened!

As I was walking through the casino, I saw two bored casino dealers waiting at a crap table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, rolls the dice, and yells, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Now, take my advice! It don't work for guys, dammit!

Ain't that the shits!

BLOG EXTRA! December 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I got two BLOG EXTRAS for ya for the holidays - guaranteed to make you laugh till you piss in your Christmas stocking!

EXTRA #1: Grovor's special Holiday Blog!

EXTRA #2: My good buddy Chet!

BLOG: November 22, 2010 -

"HI" gang! Mingo here... don't worry, I have special permission from GROVOR to write on his blog.

Just wanted to write a big "THANK YOU" to Jack & Rae Ann at Casey's for the way they make it so easy to put on a shin-dig the size of the TRIBUTE II Show this past weekend. The Hor D' Oeuvres and vegetable & cheese trays Jack put out for Friday night are rivaled by no one in Springfield. Saturday's buffet was huge and enjoyed by everyone in attendance. And the added touch of the apples and ice cream desert, compliments of the house was a great topper to the buffet! Also, the way everyone concerned with the show was taken care of on Wednesday & Thursday during setup as well as after each performance on Friday & Saturday was beyond spectacular. Thanks just doesn't seem to be enough to say, Jack!

Rae Ann had the banquet room looking like you'd just walked into a Las Vegas Show Room. She not only got everyone seated and fed in a timely manner, her very capable staff kept everyone happy with excellent service throughout the evening! Again, the word "thanks" just doesn't seem to be enough!

A special shout out to Brian's son, David, and our good friend, Wendy. Without them, the show would never happen as smooth as it does. They not only set up and tear down the stage, David runs the spotlight and Wendy made sure everyone had their makeup and costumes on right (Croce & The Bimbo's). Thanks, guys! We couldn't do it without ya!

Lastly, I wanna thank the ones I did the show with, Bryan Leach, Brian & Becky Brenner, and of course, the little green guy. It always amazes me that we can throw these things together like this and come up with something different each time to keep everyone coming back and spending an evening with us. Thanks for being my fellow entertainers and my friends.

~ Mike Mingo ~

BLOG: November 8, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Didn't win a lot on my last trip to Vegas. But I still consider myself pretty damn lucky! Here's what happened…

I went into a pawn shop and began looking around. I saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. I asked the sales person, "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be shittin' me!" I replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them!" I responded.

I continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" I asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" I asked.

"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Hell, yes," I told him. I looked around some more.

Next I found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"

"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" I said.

As the salesman was ringing up the purchases, I asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

Now ain't that the shits!

BLOG: October 10, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. So guess what happened? A police officer pulled me over the other night. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

I Said, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting, Ol’ Fat Ass says: “Now don't be silly, GROVOR! You know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, I looked over at Ol' Fat Ass and said, “Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The dumbass smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, I looked over at her and said through clenched teeth, “You dumb bitch, can't you keep your big mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”

I told him, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

Then Ol’ Fat Ass says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, I turned to her and hollered, “WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?”

The officer looks over at Ol’ Far Ass and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”

She smiled at me then said to the officer, “Only when he's been drinking!”

Dumbass broad!

BLOG: September 10, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. A couple years ago, on one of my trips to Vegas, I met a guy at the crap table who was one of the actors in the pirate battle down at the “TI Casino”" (the old “Treasure Island,” for you Vegas-uniformed.) This last trip, I ran into him again and he looked a little different.

I walked up and said, “Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

I said, “What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a show, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.”

I said, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another show. I boarded the other ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.”

I looked at him again and said, “What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day during a show, a flock of pigeons flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You're kidding,” I said. “You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit.”

He gave me a sigh and said, “It was my first day with the hook.”

Now that really is the shits, huh!

BLOG: August 17, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I've got a special blog for you this month. However, it only applies to those you you who ever had a mother. I call it:

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside; I've just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10.. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all those vegetables are gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat all your dinner, you'll never grow tall.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

And my favorite:

25 My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Makes ya think, goddamnit!

BLOG: July 16, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I got back from one of my Vegas trips with my sugar-momma Miss Rita and my wife says, "They have weekly husband's marriage seminars, and I signed you up."

So, to keep her off my ass, I started going. At the session last week, the priest asked an old guy named Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

"Holy shit", I thought to myself. "50 years with the same woman! He's due for parole, ain't he?"

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well-a, I'v-a tried to treat her nice-a, spend-a da money on her, but best-a of all is, I took-a her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go-a pick her up."

I fell on the floor and laughed so hard, I think I shit myself!

BLOG: June 30, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Last week my big buddy Brian Brenner and I was driving in Dayton when we saw the flash of a traffic camera. Brenner figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to get pissed, but I thought that this was quite funny.

So the dumbass drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time, and a fifth time, with the same results and was now red in the face with anger as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace while I was laughing my ass off. He finally gave up and we headed back to his house.

Today he just called me. The idiot got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

BLOG: May 7, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then I saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition I opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son
P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home!

The little shit is getting to be more like me every day!

BLOG: May 7, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Old fat-ass had to go get my son from school the other day. Guess he took my advice a little overboard when I told him I had been fired from my job as a Walmart Greeter for being too honest. (Haven't heard that story yet? Come to my shows and I'll tell ya about it!)

Anyway, during one of his daily classes, the teacher was trying to teach good manners, and asked her students the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Bobby?"

Bobby said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

My son raised his hand and when the teacher called on him he said, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted… the principal was called… who in turn, called ol' fat ass… who ended up having to go and get him. Now I gotta get up early, take him to school, and explain what the hell I meant.

Ain't that the damn shits!

BLOG: April 22, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her birthday, I got up early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to King's Island. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Beast Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. I then took her to a McDonald's where I ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's with nuts. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with me and collapsed into bed exhausted.

I leaned over my wife and with a big smile, lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

The bitch's eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dumbass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get the thing wrong and get his ass in trouble!

Ain't that the shits?

BLOG: April 1, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Here's an April Fool's Day joke I played on Big Steve, my redneck buddy in Lexington, Kentucky. I told him the fishin' pond was ready for swimming!

Dumbass!

BLOG: March 28, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Well, I'm back from my 2-week stay in Las Vegas and ready to return for good! Miss Rita treated me great! But I gotta wonder if she might not be a sugar-momma for a few others!

There was a gas station in Vegas just down the street from her house that was doing a promotion. The sign said "Free Sex with a Fill-Up" So I stopped in and filled up, then asked for my free sex. The owner said, "Pick a number between 1 and 10. If you guess it correctly, you'll get your free sex."

I guessed 7 and the owner said, "You were close! It was 8. Try again next time."

So the next week I stopped back and filled up again. And again I asked for my free sex. The owner proceeded to tell me the same thing.....pick a number between 1 and 10. I picked 8 this time, and the son-of-a-bitch said, "Oh, you were close. It was 7. Try again next time.

I got pissed and said, "I think your goddamn promotion is rigged! I'll bet nobody gets any free sex!"

He smiled and said, "Well, you're wrong there, buddy! Why just last week Miss Rita from down the street won twice!"

Now ain't that a Las Vegas kick-in-the-nutts!

FROM MIKE MINGO:
Mingo Revue Reunion Shows at Casey's

Well, GROVOR's off to Las Vegas again. But he gave me permission before he left to write in his blog. So here goes!

The past weekend at Casey's made some special memories. Once again, Tim and I saw so many people we hadn't seen in years. I can't tell you how many came up to us and said they hadn't seen us since the Ramada Inn days, or at one of the Black Angus Restaurants in Lima or Kalida, or at our own club we had for, as Tim puts it, a week or so in Springfield. It really made us feel great. At the same time, it made us realize how long we've been doing this. Those places are all back in the 70's, 80's and 90's!

I'd like to say thanks to two of the finest people I've ever worked with the entire time I've been performing. Chef Jack and wife Rae Ann make it so easy to entertain the crowds. Rae Ann had the Crystal Room set up to look like a Vegas Show Room, got everybody seated, and oversaw a very capable staff. The buffet Jack put out on Saturday was top notch and served on time and hot and ready. In the three shows we've done at Casey's, I've yet to hear the first complaint. And that is why it is so easy to do a good show.

I'd also like to thank the people who came to the shows. It's you who really keep me doing this. Especially when some came from Lima, Middletown, Dayton, Wapakoneta, Covington, and a few other places. Not to mention all of our friends and fans from right here in Springfield.

Thanks to a couple old drummers from groups in my past. Steve Wynn and I performed together from 1973-75 in "We 3 & Me". Steve also took some great pictures of Friday's show. John Kannard was there from Lima. We played together through my high school years. John came up to do our 1 hit record from that time (about 25 copies) called "It Hurts Me Too". Also thanks to my buddy Brian Brenner for making an appearance doing "Treat Me Nice" and then joining me for our favorite song "Viva Las Vegas".

Lastly, I would like to thank the guy I shared the stage with for 25 years, Tim Rowe. Though he was a little under the weather, he never let anyone know and had everyone, including myself, laughing at some of his crazy antics so hard, we were crying. Tim, each night I perform with you is a special occasion. And this one might have been the best one yet. I will forever cherish the time we spent together as The Mingo Revue and you will always be welcomed on any stage I'm performing on.

Thanks to everyone involved for creating some life-long lasting memories.

Mike Mingo

BLOG: February 21, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. My big buddy Brenner was getting into the shower just as Becky was finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. Becky quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there I stood.

Before she says a word, I told her, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'”

After thinking for a moment, Becky drops her towel and stands naked in front of me, and after a few seconds of staring and drooling, I handed her $800 and left.

Becky wraps back up in the towel and goes back to the bathroom.

When she gets to the there, Brenner asks, 'Who was that?'

“It was Grovor,” she replies.

“Great,” Brenner said, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

But thanks Brenner. I'm glad you didn't!

BLOG: January 28, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Yesterday I was at my local KROGER buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. (Yep, the same dog that wrote me the note a couple blogs ago!)

I was in the checkout line when some fat, old woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, a damn elephant? So, since I make my living insulting assholes from stage, without thinking I told the old, fat biddy that, no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again and that she should give it a try. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (By now, almost everyone in line was now listening to my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

The old, fat broad got so pissed, she complained to the manager!

Now KROGER won't let me shop there anymore.

I'm gonna either have to find a new city to shop in, or start shopping in disguise. I'm gettin' barred from all the goddamn stores!

Ain't that the dog-shits!

BLOG: January 16, 2010 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. My last blog was a note from my damn dog! Now I find this laying on the kitchen table from ol' "Bitch-a-Lot" :

T'was The Month After Christmas

T'was the month after Christmas,and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the chocolate I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk, more a lumber),

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in Grovor's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt...

I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...
But isn't that what all January's are for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.

Guess I'll be eating out by myself alot in 2010… And you know.....that suits me just fine! (Look out Miss Rita, my Vegas sugar-momma! 'll be headed your way alot this year!)

Hey everybody… you've heard me talk about my friend "Chet" - well, here he is! CLICK HERE

BLOG: December 29, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Just got back from Vegas after 10 days in my favorite city and being worn out from my sugar-momma, Miss Rita! (Holy Shit, do I ever need a vacation!) I got home and wasn't there 10 minutes when old fat-ass told me to feed the dog. Now, I haven't figured out yet if she's playing some kind of game with me, or if my dog can actually use the computer and printer. But I found this note lying beside my dog's bowl that read:

"10 Things I'd like to have changed in 2010"

1. Blaming your farts on me.....not funny.....not funny at all, asshole!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I'm a goddamn dog, you idiot!

3. Taking me out for a walk, then not letting me sniff and check things out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway, ya bastard!

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose! Stop it, dammit!

5. Any haircut that involves bows and ribbons. Tell old "fat ass" to stop it! Now you know why I chew shit up when you're not home!

6. That sleight-of-hand, fake-fetch shit! You fooled a goddamn dog! Wooooo-Hooooo. What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting all pissed-off when I freak-out every time we go back!

8. Getting pissed when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, dick-head! I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!

9. Dog Sweaters! Hello! Haven't you noticed the goddamn fur?

10. How you act so disgusted when I lick myself. Look asshole! We both know the truth! You're just jealous! Now lay off my ass about this shit! After all, we both know who the boss really is. You don't see me picking up your shit, do ya!

Now that really is the shits!

BLOG: December 22, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. My damn fat-assed wife went Christmas shopping and left me this recipe to do. When I saw what it was, I thought I'd write it down on the computer and share it with you all here on my website. So... here goes!

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, sample the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in one cup of dried fruit.

Pick the goddamn fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver..

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or whatever you can get your hands on. Who geeves a sheet. Sample the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall on your ass.

Don't forget to beat off the turner! Sheet... there's man everywhere!

Finally, throw the bowl through the gaddomn window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas!

BLOG: December 8, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. You've heard me talk about all my trips to las Vegas and my sugar-momma, Miss Rita. (Haven't heard of Rita? Page down a few blogs and you'll find several of them.) Well, my fat-assed wife wanted to go along this time. So we fly out for a 3-day stay, rent a car and are just checking into my favorite place, The Tropicana, when this beautiful girl walks up, welcomes us to Vegas, hands me a card, and walks away. We check in and went up to our room. My wife turns to me and says, "Grovor, you were very rude to that nice girl at the front desk."

I looked at her and calmly said, "She was a hooker."

"I don't believe you," she said. "That nice young thing?"

"I'll prove it to you," I told her. "You go into the bathroom and leave the door open just enough to hear and I'll call her up here."

So my dumb-ass wife does it and I got the card out. It had "Bambi" on it and a phone number. I dialed the number and when she answered, I asked her to come to our room. In no less than 15 minutes, there was a knock on the door. I opened it and Bambi walked in. She was so beautiful and had huge tits, I wanted to make arrangements for later. But with Miss Bitch-a-lot along, I knew there'd be no way. So I said, "How much do you charge?"

Bambi smiled and said, "$125 basic rate and a $100 tip for special services."

I said, "Well shit, honey! I was looking for something more in the $25 range."

Bambi laughed and said, "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price in Vegas, honey!" and turned and left. Old fat-ass came out of the bathroom with that pissed-off look on her face, knowing that I'd been right. She said, "Let's go get something to eat!"

So I'm sitting there having dinner with her, thinking to myself, "Well, looks like I'd better be very careful of what I do or say or this is gonna be a very long 3 days!" Just then, Bambi walks by our table, leans over and smiles, points at old fat-ass and says, "See what you get for $25!"

And now I never have to worry about bringing the old bag back to Vegas. Maybe this trip turned out to be the best of all of them!

BLOG: December 4, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Time for my annual Christmas blog, guaranteed to get you in the mood for a glorious holiday and safe, prosperous new year… and all that other shit. Gather your family, your snot-nosed kids, and your free-loading bastard in-laws around the computer and read this to them. Enjoy!

BLOG: November 16, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I recently took a drive down to Kentucky to see my big redneck buddy "Big Steve". When I got there, he was sitting on his front porch drinkin' beer, smokin' a Marlboro, and laughing his ass off! I asked him what was so funny and he said, "Look at this shit!" and handed me a letter. It read:

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad heard from this guy named Grovor that most accidents happen within twenty miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Kentucky family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your brother Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Aunt Lucille just won the Kentucky State Lottery. She gets $3 a year for a million years!

Your Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Your cousin Bobby Eugene and a couple of his friends drove up to Ohio last weekend to go to that King Island place. They got about as far as Cincinnati, and they seen a sign that said, "Kings Island - Left." So they turned around and came home.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

Now ain't that the shits!

BLOG: October 20, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. For my birthday this year, my goddamn wife purchased a week of personal training program from a local health club. Although I think I'm still in great shape since being a college football player many years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christa, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:
________________________________
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed after drinking all that beer watching football, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christa waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess with long blond hair, dancing blue eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Hot Damn! Christa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
________________________________
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it and I about shit! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Her rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the damn toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she bitches at me, she gets this nasally, bitchy whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a stupid ass machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said a bunch of other shit, too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY: Bitch-A-Lot was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed and her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me that long to tie my goddamn shoes. She took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent some skinny-ass kid in to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine, which I broke by sinking the son-of-a-bitch!
_________________________________
FRIDAY: I hate that goddamn bitch Christa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, bitchy little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would smack her with it. Christa wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any goddamn triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the floor, why the hell did she hand me the goddamn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why the hell couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY: Bitch-Me-Out left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly goddamn voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with a goddamn hammer. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank Andy Howard that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my fat-assed wife will choose a gift for me that is fun... like a root canal or a goddamn colonoscopy. I still say if old Howard had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

BLOG: October 14, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Mingo's always on my ass about doing nothing in my spare time but sitting around watching TV and drinking beer. So, to please him and stop the bitching, I decided to see if I could make a little extra money by doing odd jobs around the neighborhood.

Surprisingly, the first damn house I came to, the owner said, "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch. How much would you charge me?"

I smiled and said, "How 'bout $100?"

The guy said, "Well, that's great. You'll find the paint and brushes and anything else you need in the garage."

As I started to the garage, I heard the guy's wife say, "He's painting the whole porch for $100? Does he know our porch goes all around the house?"

The guy responded, "I don't think the little green dumbass looked."

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to think just like you," and they both started laughing.

I went to the garage, found the paint and brushes and proceeded to do my job, but pissed as hell that these two assholes were getting a big kick out of it.

I finished in a little over an hour. I walked up to the front door and knocked. "You're finished already?" the startled owner asked.

"Yep," I smiled. "And I even had enough paint left over to give it two coats!"

Impressed, the guy handed me a hundred bucks and added a $10 bill for a tip.

"Thanks!" I told him. "And by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus! Now who's the dumbass?" I hollered as I ran out of his yard laughing my ass off.

Mingo would be proud!

BLOG: October 3, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. You've heard me talk from stage about my one-day job as a greeter at Walmart. Well, here's how I got the job.

Judy is a manager at Wal-Mart and had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. She found four people who were equally qualified... one of them being me! Judy decided to call the four of us in and ask us only one question. Our answer would determine which of us would get the job.

The day came and as the four of us sat around the conference room table, Judy asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

This old woman replied, “A THOUGHT.. It just pops into your head. There's no warning.”

“That's very good!'' replied Judy. ''And, now you, sir?” she asked the second applicant.

“Hmmm...let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.”

“Excellent!” said Judy. “The blink of an eye, that's a very popular saying for speed.” She then turned to the third applicant, who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and there's a light switch on the wall. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.''

Judy was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ''It's hard to beat the speed of light,'' she said.

Turning to me, Judy asked me the same question.

I looked her square in the eye and replied, “The fastest thing known is DIARRHEA! The other day, I wasn't feeling so good after eating Miss Reta's chili, and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!”

And so I began my 24-hour job as the new greeter at a Wal-Mart! And if you've been to our show and heard me talk about this, you know the rest of the story!

BLOG: September 23, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. After I got back from Las Vegas (again!) my wife insisted that I go with her, as punishment for my solo Vegas trips, on her trip to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most guys, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out. However, my damn wife is like most women - she loves to browse for hours. Today, my wife got the following letter from the local Walmart.....

Dear Mrs. GROVOR,

On your last visit to our store, your husband caused quite a commotion. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from our Walmart store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Grovor, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that, in turn, resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. Moved a 'CAUTION-WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Went to an uncarpeted area and peed on the floor.

8. Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

9. When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called...

10. Looked into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

11. While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

12. Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

13. In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

14. Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

15. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

16. Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

And so ends my goddamn trips to Walmart with old "Bitch-a-lot!

BLOG: September 10, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I gotta tell ya what I did this past Wednesday. I took my Uncle Louie into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He's a crusty old bastard who loves to pull practical jokes on everybody.

When we got there he marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." He turned to me and smiled.

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter."

My Uncle turned to me and said, "You hear that shit?"

The social worker continued, "You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

For the first time, I actually saw my uncle at a loss for words.

She continued, "This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, and other amenities is located above the garage and will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

Uncle Louie, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it, you old fart!"

I 'm still laughing, and it's 2 days later!

BLOG: August 31, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I've got one more tale to tell you from my week-off Vegas trip. I stayed all but one night with my sugar-momma, Miss Rita, who lives out near Henderson, a suburb of Vegas. But one night I spent gambling at the Las Vegas Hilton and got pretty assholed at the blackjack table on the free drinks. I did pretty well at the table and decided to just get a room there and call it a night. The next morning I felt like shit. Woke up with one hell of a hangover, but hungry as crap, so I called room service. The phone call went something like this:

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"

You're probably wondering what-the-hell that means, huh! Well, after you read the rest of this blog, I'm sure you'll understand. I promise!

I dialed the room service number.

Room Service: "Morrin! Roon sirbees!"

Me: "I'm sorry. I thought I dialed room service."

Room Service: "Rye! Roon sirbees.....morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Me: "Uh.....yes! I'd like to order some bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow july?"

Me: "What?"

Room Service: "Owe july you eggs? Pryed, boyud, pooched?"

Me: "Oh, shit! The eggs! How would I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow july dee baykem? Crease?"

Me: "What?"

Room Service: "Dee baykem! Crease? July dee baykem crease?"

Me: "Oh, the bacon! Yes, crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Me: "What?"

Room Service: "Sahn toes! July sahn toes?"

Me: "I don't think so."

Room Service: "No?" Judo wan sahn toes?"

Me: "I really feel bad about this, but I don't know what-the-hell judo wan sahn toes means!"

Room Service: "Toes! Toes! Why joo don juan toes? Ow bow anglish muppin?"

Me: "Oh! English muffin! You were saying toast. I got it! Fine. I'll have an english muffin."

Room Service: "We buddah?"

Me: "Just put the buddah on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Me: "Shit! I mean butter. Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy.....july copy...tea...meel?"

Me: "Oh, yes! Coffee! Bring lots of coffee. And hurry, dammit! I'm starved!"

Room Service: "Wan minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, anglish moppin we bodder on sigh, and much copy, rye?"

Me: "Whatever you say!"

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds!"

And there it is. Got it? Thank Andy Howard I somehow got a good breakfast. Guess I just shoulda drove my drunk ass back to Miss Rita's. This was one time I wish I could have dialed "1" for English!

Sometimes I'm glad things stay in Vegas!

BLOG: August 22, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. While I was in Vegas, I spent alot of time reading the headlines of the daily paper. I wrote some of them down and thought I'd let you read some of them:

"Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter"
   When I read this, I called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote it. It took two or three readings before the asshole that wrote it realized what he was reading was impossible!

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"
   No shit, really? Ya think?

"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
   Now that's taking things a bit too far!

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
   My kind of guy!

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
   Good-for-nothing' lazy sons-a-bitches!

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
   See if that works any better than a fair trial!

"War Dims Hope for Peace"
   I can see where it might have that effect!

"Strike May Last Awhile If Not Settled Quickly"
   Well, no shit!

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
   Who-the-hell would have thought!

"Green Valley Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
   Them dumbass's may be on to something!

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
   You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

"Man Struck By Lightning; Faces Battery Charge"
   He probably IS the goddamn battery charge!

"New Obesity Study Looks for Larger Test Group"
   Weren't the ones they had fat enough? Here's something my fat-assed wife should look into!

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
   That's what he gets for eating Rita's chili!

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
   Wonder if they taste "just like chicken"?

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
   Chainsaw Massacre all over again! I love it!

"Hospitals Sued by Seven Foot Doctors"
   Boy, them bastards are tall!

And the winner is.....

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
   Did I read that right?

Awwww, Vegas. You gotta love it!

BLOG: August 15, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. First week off for Mingo and me in 3 months. It's about time, too. My asshole was gettin' raw!

You know what I do when ever I get the chance? Viva Las Vegas, baby! I suppose you're wondering how I can get away to Vegas by myself all the time. Well, each time it's different. This time, my fat-assed wife came up behind me while I was drinkin' a beer and watching TV. She was in some sleazy nightie with a smile on her face. That meant only one thing; she wanted sex. So did I... but sure as shit, not with her! She says, "How 'bout we go upstairs and you tie me to the bed and do anything you want." So up the stairs we went. I tied her up good, packed my bags quickly, and here I am at my sugar-momma Rita's house in Vegas for at least a week. You all know what she's got planned for me!

But that's not what I want to tell you about. I was at the craps table the other night. I was the youngest one standing there by at least 30, maybe 40 years. It was filled with old people and they were having a ball. Besides making a bunch of money, I overheard so many funny stories and tales, I gotta tell you some of them.

I was there when this old codger walked up. I heard the girl on the stick say, "Sir, you're garage door is open." He looked confused and stood there beside me. "What'd she mean by that?" he asked me. "She meant your fly is open," I told him. He zipped up and turned back to her and said, "When the garage door was open, did you see my hummer inside?" "No,sir," she answered. "Just an old minivan with 2 flat tires!" Great comeback, I thought and started to smile.

After a bit, he turned to me and said, "I just got this new hearing aid and can hear perfectly now." "Your family must be very happy," I said. "Nope," he smiled. "I haven't told them about it yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversation. I've changed my will three times already!" I was outwardly grinning now.

He turned to one of his buddies and said, "You know, I'm 83 and full of aches and pains." His buddy replied, "I'm 83 and feel just like a newborn baby." "Really?" he answered. "A newborn baby, huh?" "Yep!" his buddy said. "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my diaper!" I laughed my ass off.

At the end of the table I heard another old guy say to his friend, "I found a great restaurant last night." "Oh, yeah?" his friend asked. "What's the name of it?" The old guy stood there and thought and thought, then said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know. The one that's red and has thorns?" "Rose," his friend said. "Yeah, that's it!" he said. Then he hollered to the other end of the table where all the old ladies were playing and said, "Rose! What-in-the-hell's the name of that place we ate at last night?" I'm starting to laugh so much, my side is hurting.

Then the guy beside me's buddy says, "Hey. I tell you I'm getting married?" "No you didn't," the one beside me said. "Do I know her?" "Nope," he answered. "She good looking?" he asked him. "Not really," he replied. "She a good cook?" "Naw, she doesn't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope, poor as a mouse." "She good in bed?" "Don't know." The guy next to me finally said, "Then why the hell you marrying her?" His buddy replied, "Because she can still drive!" I'm bending over now laughing.

Then these two old bastards, who I know couldn't hear, were standing a bit further down the table. I know they were almost deaf because all of a sudden the one let out this huge fart. One that would have made me proud had it been me. He turned to his buddy and says, "Windy!" His buddy says, "No, it's Thursday." He answered, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!" Damn, this was better shit than I tell from stage!

I overheard another one say, "Just got this state of the art hearing aid. Paid $4000 for it, but it really helps me out." "Oh, yeah?" his buddy said. "What kind is it?" The other one said, "Almost midnight." I'm laughing so hard now, I'm about to piss myself.

Suddenly, an old guy walks up to the table with a beautiful blond on his arm. The guy next to me says, "What-the-hell you think you're doing?" "Just what the doctor told me to do," the old guy with the blond said. "And what was that?" the one beside me asked. "Get a hot momma and be cheerful!" "You dumb ass!" the one beside me said. "That's not what he said. He said, you have a heart murmur and be careful!" I grabbed my chips off the table and ran to the shitter as fast as I could, holding the end of "Ol' Russell" so I wouldn't piss myself and laughing my ass off!

Awwww, Vegas. You gotta love it!

BLOG: August 2, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. That damn Mingo broke into my blog and started writing some mushy shit about that asshole big boy! Hell, I'VE worked with Mingo longer than that bald-headed organ player has! And I can prove it... here's a picture I took of Mingo (with a whole bunch of other people) back about the time we met… Try to pick him out (HINT: He's not wearing a dress and he's got hair like Donny Osmond!)...

I just changed the password so he can't get on here again. Bad enough I got a hand up my ass ever since I took this picture!

BLOG: July 31, 2009 - Hey Gang. Mingo here.

I realize this section is reserved for Grovor and his rants... But I wanted to give you a quick update. You've heard me talk about my partner of 25 years on stage, Tim Rowe. A lot of you ask questions as to what he's been doing. Well, on a Sunday evening early in July, I had the pleasure of witnessing exactly how he's been spending his time.

I got the chance to see the production of "Music Man", directed by my former partner at Springfield's Veteran's Park as part of the Springfield Arts Council's annual Summer Arts Festival. It includes a song Tim used to do in our show you might have seen, "Trouble In River City". The show made me remember how talented he is (besides what he added to the Mingo Revue.) His set design and choice of performers were spot on, and the guy who played Robert Preston's "Harold Hill" part had him down to a T. It actually brought tears to my eyes as the cast took their curtain call at the end of the show. I was so proud to have spent 25 years with this talented director, producer, and personal friend.

Thanks for all the great times, Tim, and may you have many more!

I now turn the blog back over to Grovor....

Mike Mingo

BLOG: July 26, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. You've heard me talk from stage time and time again about my fat-assed, tit's hanging down to her navel, bitchin' at me all the time wife. As I've stated before, I'm a "tit man" and holy shit, did she have some kinda lookers when she was younger. But not now! I knew I'd made a mistake from about the second week I was married to her.

One night after staying in every night for about 2 months, I decided I'd like to go out on the town with my buddies. "Honey", I said to her. "I'll be back in a short while".

"Where ya going, sweetie?" she asked.

"I'm just going down to a few bars and have a couple beers with the guys," I told her.

"You want some beer, honey pie?" she asked, opening up the fridge. "I've got a whole case of your favorites right here".

"Well, that's great. But the bars have those iced-up frozen glasses that I love", I told her, biting my tongue trying to be nice.

I'd barely got the words out of my mouth when she said, "You want frozen glasses, my little furry love?" opening up the freezer and handing me one that was so cold it burned my fingers as I took it.

"Yeah", I said. "But you see, at the bars during happy hour they always have all those great hor d' oeuvres that go so good with beer."

"You want good eats, pooky-poo?" she said smiling. "I got chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, stuffed mushrooms, pork strips, and a few other things."

"But you see," I said. "At the bars we all start talking and you know what happens next. The language isn't very good. A lot of cussing and a whole bunch of dirty talkin'. You know how us guys are."

You want dirty talkin', honey pie?" she said as her face turned into a look of murder. "DRINK YOUR GODDAMN BEER FROM YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR GODDAMN SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOING NOWHERE TONIGHT, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH! GOT THAT STRAIGHT, ASSHOLE?"

And with that, the rules were laid down and it wasn't long afterwards that the rules started getting broken almost nightly!

BLOG: July 6, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. You know, I've been in this business for almost 35 years now. Most of it with a hand stuck up my ass! (Stop laughing dammit! It ain't funny!) Mingo and I have seen lots of places, played lots of clubs, and met lots of fans. I've met my share of women, too. And I've come to this conclusion about them.

A woman:
- At ages 16 to 18 is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

- Between the ages of 19 and 35 is like Asia, hot and exotic.

- Between the ages of 36 and 45 is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

- Between the ages of 46 and 55 is like Europe, exhausted, but still with points of interest.

- After 55 is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but nobody gives a shit!

BLOG: July 2, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. That damn Brenner! First, he doesn't invite me to any of his goddamn "oldies but moldies" shows, but invites Mingo to all of them. Then Mingo books a show and includes him. He never sticks a hand up Brenner's ass and then won't help me find a step-ladder so I can get high enough to kick his ass! Then, Brenner calls me up wanting advice. Do you believe this son-of-a-bitch?

The other night I'm sitting in my den watching baseball and drinking beer when my phone rings. "GROVOR!" I hear on the other end. "This is Brian," he says.

"What the hell ya want!" I told him.

"I need some advice," he answered. "Becky's birthday is tomorrow and I have no idea what to get her," he told me. "She has everything and can afford to buy anything she wants. Got any ideas for me?"

Just to get rid of the bastard I said, "Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

"Great idea," he said and hung up the phone.

So, the next night I'm again in the den watching baseball and drinking more beer when my phone rings again. It's Brenner and he hollers, "Thanks a hell of alot, GROVOR!"

"You're welcome," I said. "Did she like her birthday present?"

"Hell yes!" he screamed. "I just gave her the certificate, and she kissed me on the forehead, ran out the door, and said she'd be back in an hour!"

"Gee, buddy! That's too bad," I said as I hung up the phone. I was laughing to myself when the doorbell rang. When I opened it, there stood Becky and she said, "I'm here for my birthday present!"

I thought to myself, "Damn! This is a hell of alot better than a goddamn step-ladder!"

BLOG: June 22, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. While Mingo was helping Brian Brenner with his Elvis show this past Friday, I went down to Kentucky to visit with my ol' buddy "Big Steve". You remember him. He's the redneck duck hunter I told ya'll 'bout a few blogs back.

I get there and the first thing he does is take me to the back room and dropped his pants and showed me his dick!

I said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He said, "Looks pretty good, don't it!"

"Why the hell are you showing it to me?" I hollered at him.

"I gotta tell ya what happened," he says. "I went duck hunting a couple months ago. I came to a fence and had to climb over it. As I did, I dropped my shotgun and the son-of-a-bitch went off and hit me right in my dick. I knew I'd better get my ass to the hospital. They took me in and did surgery right away. When I woke up, I checked to see that I didn't shoot the thing off and to my surprise, it looked pretty good. The doctor came in and handed me a business card. He told me it was his brother's card and he'd make an appointment for me to see him. I asked him if his brother was a doctor, too, and he told me no. I asked him, "Then why should I go see your brother?"

The doc replied, "My brother is a flute player and he can show you where to hold your fingers so I wouldn't piss in your eye! Wanna see?"

I decided right there to head back to Dayton and watch the Elvis Show.

BLOG: June 5, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. As those of you on my mailing list know, I spent my week off in Vegas. (Not on the mailing list? Well, dammit! Send me your email and I'll stick you on there. Easy as that, dumb-ass!) Had a great time renewing old memories and sex encounters with my sugar-momma, Miss Rita. Wore my ass out! She must be good luck, too, because I hit 'em hard at the tables and brought back some Vegas money with me.

I got back just in time to help Mingo MC the "Legends Shows" at the Springfield Eagles on Friday and the Middletown Moose on Saturday. The shows were great and featured Kenny James as Buddy Holly, Duane Fortune as Ricky Nelson, and my big buddy Brian Brenner as Elvis. We all had a ball… especially afterwards when I showed them a few of my hangouts around Dayton. We all ended up a bit shitfaced.

What I wanted to tell you about was the trip home from Vegas. Some asshole got on the plane with a box of frozen crabs. He made a big deal while giving them to the stewardess. This poor girl had to stand there while this wise-ass told her that he was a lawyer and if anything happened to his box of crabs, he'd sue her. He was pretty goddamn rude to her. If I hadn't been so wore out from Miss Rita, I'd have stuck my nose in and probably been threatened with a suit myself.

Anyway, the stewardess took the frozen crabs and put them in the plane's refrigerator. Once we landed, she got on the intercom, turned the volume up, and said, "Would the gentleman that gave me the crabs please raise his hand?" Not a soul stuck their hand in the air. I looked over at the asshole. He just scowled, got up, and walked off the plane. As I left the plane, I winked at the stewardess and said, "Hope you enjoy your crab dinner tonight!"

Sometimes assholes get just what they put out..............S H I T!

BLOG: May 25, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. So, were you at the "Back In Time" shows at Casey's in Springfield, Ohio? Holy shit, what a weekend it turned out to be! There was over 175 fans and friends on Friday followed by over 260 on Saturday. Mingo and I saw more people we hadn't seen in years… old friends for both of us and a few old piece-of-asses I hadn't been with for ages!
Chef Jack gave everyone a feast Saturday with chicken, beef, and fish on the menu complete with all the trimmings. Miss Rae Ann had the Crystal Room at Casey's looking gooooooood! Mingo knocked their dicks stiff with some great oldies that brought back some great memories and I told them some stories that had them ready to puke with laughter. Then, of course, Mingo's former partner, and my "Big Boy Buddy", Tim joined us on stage and brought back some of the hilarious stuff him and Mingo used to do back in Ramada Inn days. I don't know why, but I decided to try and do a song with him. Was that ever a goddamn mistake! I completely forgot how he lives just to piss me off. And he did a damn good job of it. I remember now why I'd drink so much when he worked with us. First of all, he did all his shit without Mingo's hand up his ass, which pissed me off. Plus, I had to drink to keep myself from trying to shove his organ UP HIS ASS! Anyway, it was a great weekend!

If you missed the shows, don't worry. "Back In Time II" has been scheduled for October 23rd & 24th. And yes, that goddamn Tim will be there. Tickets will go on sale near the beginning of October. When they do, get your's fast as it will be reservation only and the best seats go to the tickets purchased first. Hope you can make it.

I always talk about the girly places in Dayton that Brenner and Mingo, and I go to.
As the commercial goes:

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance & Tip: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Private Dance In Your Car: $100.00
Being able to send her on her way and not hear her complain - P R I C E L E S S

BLOG: April 25, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. After a hard day (and night) of drinking, I recently visited a little place in Dayton called Reta's Chili House. They serve all kinds of chili - with beans, without beans, double beans, any way you want it. They have one special kind that I've never tried until now (it's not even on the menu!) called "Reta's 'You're Gonna Shit Yourself' Special". So, I told ol' Reta herself to fix me a bowl. I was hungry as hell, and I slurped it down. I called her over and ordered a second bowl. It was good. After the third bowl, I was pretty goddamn full. I paid my bill and was just leaving when the ol' girl grabbed my arm and said, "I'd stay close to a crapper for the next couple days if I was you!"

I drove home wondering if I'd made a mistake. The next day I stayed on my couch in the den watching TV. Unlike what Miss Reta had said, nothing seemed to be happening. About 7:30 pm, my fat-assed wife hollered, "Grovor, go to the store and get me some tampons (the bitch goes through a pack a day, I think!) I hopped in the car and headed for the Walmart. I grabbed a shopping cart, I picked up the goddamn tampons, then remembered I was out of beer, and without thinking I headed to the other side of the store. Just as I bent over to grab a case, that damn chili hit me! There I was, bent over, picking up the case of beer, when this huge sound escaped from my ass. They said later that people thought a shotgun had been fired off inside the store!

Now they say the silent-but-deadly ones are the worst, and this son-of-a-bitch was the loudest and worst smelling fart I'd ever smelt. It just hung there like a cloud. I was afraid to move for fear of another one would sneak out. I slowly moved my cart down the isle and turned around just in time to catch a little old man walking towards where I'd fired the shot. He entered "the zone" and immediately started waving his arms around like he was chasing off angry bees. I started laughing my ass off which was a very bad idea. The more I laughed, the more I farted! To make matters worse, I could feel Reta's warning start to come true. I left my cart and took off as fast as I dare toward the restroom. I got there in the nick of time, sat down, and unloaded! I heard someone walk in while I was in the middle, holler "son-of-a-bitch" and leave! It took me about 20 minutes, but I finished.

I walked out and was about to go looking for my shopping cart when a store employee stopped me and said, "Sir, I'd wait a few minutes. Some wise-ass set off a stink bomb in the store. We're turning on the vents and it should be clear in a minute or so." I stood there thinking about what had happened and it made me laugh... and I fired off a few more shots! The store employee bent over from the smell! He stood up, grabbed his nose, pointed at me, and screamed, "It's you!" and ran off. Within minutes he showed up with the goddamn manager. Holding his nose, he escorted me from the store and told me not to return. I left without my beer or the fat-ass's tampons.

I headed down to Kroger to get the stuff. As I stood in line to pay, the second part hit me! You know. The part after the farts! But unlike Walmart, I had no idea where the damn restrooms were. I started firing off shots. It was running down my leg! Seeping through my pants! It wasn't pretty!

I can't say anything else. Not only are they complaining about having to re-paint the walls and sanitizing the floors, they're threatening a lawsuit against me. My lawyer says they can't win. But it pisses me off because I'm running out of places to get old fat-ass's weekly dose of tampons.

Now, that really is the shits, huh!

BLOG: April 16, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. The other night, I was in the den having one more beer before I turned in when my fat-assed wife comes in and says, "Grovor, you left the goddamn light on in the shed again! Get up off your ass and turn it off!"

I got up and went to the back door. When I looked towards the shed, I noticed a couple of assholes in there messing with my stuff. I immediately grabbed the phone and dialed 911. When the dispatcher answered I said, "There's someone in my shed!"

"Are they in your house?" he asked.

"No!" I told him. "But they're in the shed stealing stuff!"

"All our patrols are busy at the moment," he told me. "Lock your doors and we'll send a squad car as soon as one becomes available."

"Thank you very much," I said, and hung up the phone. I counted to 30, then dialed 911 again. When the dispatcher answered I said, "This is the guy who just called about the intruders in my shed. You can forget about them. I took care of it."

"And how's that?" he asked..

"I shot the sons-a-bitches!" I told him and hung up.

Within minutes there were six goddamn police cars, a SWAT team, a surveillance helicopter, two fire trucks, two paramedics, and an ambulance swarming my house. When they got there, they arrested two punk-ass kids in my garage. Then they came to me all pissed off. The officer in charge said, "I thought you said you shot them!"

To which I replied, "I thought you said there no one was available!"

Sometimes, a little lie is good, huh!

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: April 12, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. My goddamn wife threw a party at our house on Easter. She invited Mingo and Brenner and their wives. After we ate, us three guys went into the den and started drinking beer while the ladies went into the kitchen to discuss recipes.

After an hour or so, Brenner got hungry again. So I headed for the kitchen to get some chips. As I walked up to the kitchen door, I heard the wives discussing sex and decided to stand there and listen.

I heard Mingo's wife say, "I call Mike "the dentist" because nobody can drill me like he can!"

They all laughed, and then Brenner's wife said, "I call Brian "the miner" because of his incredible shaft!"

Again, they all laughed. Then my damn wife says, "I call Grovor "the postman," she told them.

"Why do you call him that?" one of them asked.

"Because," she answered, "the son-of-a-bitch always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box!"

Needless to say, Brenner didn't get his goddamn chips! Ain't that the shits!

BLOG: April 4, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I drove down to Kentucky last week to see my old big-assed buddy, "Big Steve". He's a real hillican and a true redneck, but he's been my buddy for a long time. He's saved my ass more than once from some pissed-off drunk. Believe me, he's a good sum-bitch to have on your side in a bar fight. His size alone usually scares the assholes away!

Anyway, he decided that we should go duck hunting. Well, he went duck hunting, and I drank beer. Got pretty goddamn shitfaced, too. He drank his share, but he's so big, he don't get drunk. He just gets full! Big Steve shot 3 ducks. We finally ran out of beer and headed for home. He threw the ducks in the bed of his pick-up and we started to leave just as a Kentucky Game Warden appeared. I could tell right away that this son-of-a-bitch didn't like rednecks. He walked over to Big Steve and said, "Boy, you got a hunting license?"

Big Steve never said a word. He just reached into the glove box, pulled out his license, and handed it to the game warden. The warden looked it over, handed it back, then walked to the back of the truck, picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's ass, then said, "We got ourselves a problem here, boy! This here duck is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee hunting license?"

Again, Big Steve reached into the glove box and pulled out a Tennessee hunting license and handed it to the game warden. Again, the warden looked at it, swore under his breath, walked to the back of the truck, picked up a second duck, and sniffed it's ass. "Now see here, boy," he said. "This here duck's an Indiana duck. You got an Indiana hunting license?"

I'll be damned if Big Steve didn't reach into the glove box and come out with an Indiana hunting license, and handed it to the game warden. The warden looked at it, handed it back, walked to the back of the truck, and again picked up a duck and sniffed it's ass. "Ah-ha!" he exclaimed. "This here duck is an Ohio duck. You got an Ohio hunting license, boy?"

Once again, Big Steve pulled an Ohio license from the glove box and handed it to the game warden.

"Well shit, boy!" he hollered. "Just where in the hell are you from?"

Big Steve dropped his pants, stuck his ass in the warden's face, and said, "You're the goddamn expert. You tell me!"

Maybe it was the fact that the game warden couldn't figure out what to do next, or maybe it was that Big Steve was a couple feet taller than him and twice his size. No matter what it was, he turned around, cussed at us under his breath, and walked away. Big Steve hollered, "Have a nice day, officer!"

We laughed ourselves shitless all the way home.

BLOG: March 23, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. A couple blogs ago, I did one especially for the kids. (Hope the little bastards learned a thing or two.) This one is for you big sons-a-bitches!

You wanna be funny in front of all your friends and impress all the horny woman, huh? Well, here's some things to get you started:

First of all, find someone who is willing to stick their hand up your ass. (hint: You may have to use a lot of Vasoline till you get used to it.)

Secondly, find yourself a green furry suit, complete with salt and pepper toupee. ("Big Boy" can make one for ya if you can't find what you need.)

Thirdly, learn to drink yourself shit-faced drunk without throwing "Barracks" all over your audience.

Then unload some of these on 'em, and you'll be a star:

Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids?
- Just ask your Mom.

How can you tell when you're really ugly?
- Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed.

How can you tell when your marriage has hit the shits?
- You wife makes love with her eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
- The nymphomaniacs tell you, "Let's just be friends!"

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?
- An "Itchy Twitchy Twat!

What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?
- A cock that stays up all night.

Why don't ghosts make noise when they're making love?
- Because they have hollow weenies.

If Moms have Mother's Day and Dads have Father's Day, what do single guys have?
- Palm Sunday

What does a 75 year old woman (or my wife) have between her tits?
- Her navel.

What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
- A bingo machine.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
- Beer nuts are usually around $1.25. Deer nuts are always under a buck.

Now get off your ass and get yourself out there and be a goddamn comedian!

BLOG: March 15, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. That damned buddy of mine, Brian Brenner, gets himself into more crazy situations! Last week, he told me that this tall sexy woman took him back to her house after his show, and they jumped in bed right away and went at it for hours. After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is that your husband?" he asked.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he says.

"No, not at all," she says.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he asked.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he yelled.

"That's me... before the surgery!" she said!

Brenner jumped up, grabbed his clothes, and ran out of there with just his socks on.

I'm still laughing my ass off!

BLOG: March 9, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Mingo's always bitchin' at me about how I talk. He keeps telling me I set a bad example for all the kids. Well, I say let 'em hear my new "Going Green" CD and they'll get a good education! But... to keep his ass happy, this "blog" is for the kids!

So... go get all your goddamn rug-rats, gather them around your computer, and read them these Nursery Rhymes, Grovor-style!

JACK AND JILL
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a buck and a quarter
When they came down, Jill had $2.50
They didn't go up for water!

THE OLD WOMAN IN THE SHOE
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children, cause she liked to screw!

LITTLE BO PEEP
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And didn't know where to find them.
Leave them alone and they'll come home,
With horny men behind them.

PETER PETER, PUMPKIN EATER
Peter-Peter, pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn't "eat her"
Put her in a pumpkin shell
She died in there and smelled like hell.

LITTLE JACK HORNER
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Playing with his jean's new fly
He stuck in his hand and jerked up and down
And said, "Oh my! Oh my!"

THIS OLD MAN
This old man, he played one,
He played knick-knack on my thumb,
Knick-knack, paddy-whack, old man got a bone
Spanked his ass and sent him home!

BAA-BAA BLACK SHEEP
"Baa-Baa Black Sheep, have you any wool?"
Yes, sir, yes sir, three bags full.
Took all my black wool, put it in a sack,
'cuz once you go black sheep, you never go back!

MARY MARY
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Take this rake - shove it up your ass
I'd rather be a "HOE"

LITTLE MISS MUFFETT
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
And said, "What's in the bowl, bee-yatch?!"

DING DONG DELL
Ding, Dong, Dell,
Pussy's in the well!
Who put her in?
Little Johnny Gin.
Who pulled her out?
Little Tommy Stout.
Tommy gets some wet pussy!

JACK BE NIMBLE
Jack be nimble - Jack be quick
Jack be slow - and burned his dick!

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had omelets.

(and my personal favorite)

LITTLE BOY BLUE
Little Boy Blue come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where's Little Boy Blue who tends the sheep
He's under the haystack with Little Bo Peep!

There, Mingo! Now get off my goddamn ass!

BLOG: February 28, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Thought I'd tell ya 'bout one of my relations who I had the pleasure of seeing this past Sunday in church.

(Yes, I said church!)

(Dammit!)

I got an uncle who, believe it or not, is a minister. He phoned me and said he was having trouble standing in front of the congregation and doing his sermon. He'd get so nervous, he couldn't preach what he wanted to say. He asked me how I did it on stage every night and if I could give him any tips.

I told him, "I doubt whether you'll get Mingo to shove his hand up you where he shoves it up me, so try this instead... drink yourself a few beers before you do the sermon and it should help calm your nerves. It sure as hell helps me."

Well, I'm still in bed Sunday when my phone rang. It was my aunt and she was hysterical. She said that my uncle drank a whole 6-pack and was shit-faced to beat hell. I thought, "Aw shit! I'd better get down to his church before he loses his job!"

I got there just as he started his sermon. I stood in the back and listened as he started preaching. I thought he did a good job! But, the deacons of the church were more than pissed! He showed me the reprimand they had given him. It read:

1. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
3. Jesus was consecrated. Not constipated.
4. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not "bet his ass."
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C.".
6. We do not refer to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
7. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick the holy shit out of him".
8. We say David was hit by a rock and knocked from his donkey. We do not say, "David was stoned off his ass".
9. We do not refer to the cross as "the Big T".
10. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper he said, "Take this bread and eat it as my body." He did not say "Eat me!".
11. The Virgin Mary is never to be refered to as "Mary with the cherry".
12. The church-recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thank Howie for the grub - Yaaaaaaaaah Big Guy!!!"
13. And last but not least, we are having a taffy pulling party at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling party at St. Taffy's.

As I said, I thought it was a great sermon! I laughed my ass off! I told him to drink another 6-pack before my next show, then come up on stage and do the same sermon. The drunks will love it! That is, as long as he can do it with Mingo's hand shoved up his ass!

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: February 28, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Last week, I was standing at the urinal, pissin' beside my big battlin' buddy Brian Brenner at the Urbana Moose, when this son-of-a-bitch with no arms walks in and goes to the urinal beside Brenner. He politely asked Brenner, "Could you give me a helping hand?"

Well, Brenner, being the nice guy that he is, leans over towards me and says, "I guess I'll help him out, but I ain't looking at it." He reached in and aimed it as best he could.

Then he looks at me again and says, "I wonder if I'm holding it right".

I said, "Well, maybe you ought to take a quick look-see".

So Brenner looks over, yanks his hand away, jumps back, and yells, "What in the hell is wrong with it?"

The "armless" asshole pulls both his arms out of the sleeves of his coat and says, "I dunno. But I sure as hell ain't touchin' it!"

I laughed so hard I pissed all down the side of my leg! And Brenner spent the whole next hour in the restroom washing his right hand! He not only missed most of the show, he didn't get to hear me tell the whole crowd about what had happened.

So, to all of you that know Brian "Pecker-Hand" Brenner, next time you see him, think twice about shaking hands with him and let him know why!

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: February 20, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. This week was my annual physical week. Now, I literally hate going to see my dumb-ass doctor. Maybe you've heard me talk about him from stage. He's the one that had the rectal thermometer behind his ear and when I mentioned it, he said, "Oh shit! Some asshole's got my pencil!" Well, I had to do it all. Blood pressure. Piss in the cup. Get my ass weighed. Prostate exam.

By the way, when the doctor checks your prostate, is he supposed to have both hands on your shoulders???

Anyway, what I wanted to tell ya about was what I overheard in the hallway while I was waiting between tests. These two doctors were talking and didn't realize I could hear what they were saying. The first one says, "I've just about had all I can take of Nurse Patty. She's so dumb! She does everything backwards."

"I've noticed that," said the second one. "The other day, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. The son-of-a-bitch almost died!"

"That ain't nothing," replied the first one. "Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in an hour. Poor bastard almost exploded!

Just about then there was a blood-curdling yell from a room down the hall.

"Oh shit!" the first one hollered, "I just realized I told Nurse Patty to prick Mr. Stroble's boil!"

And I thought my dumb-ass doctor was scatter-brained!

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: February 14, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here.

I was trying to be a nice guy and I bought my goddamn wife a new bag and a new belt for Valentine's Day. When I gave it to her, the bitch got pissed off at me!

Hopefully, at least the vacuum cleaner will work better now.

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: February 11, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I want to tell you one more story about my Vegas trip. I forgot to mention that Rita, my Vegas sugar-momma, owned and lived on a big ranch. One night after a hot hour of sex, she got into this talking mood. She started explaining how her husband had been a big rancher and did all the upkeep on the place. When he passed away, she wanted to hire a ranch hand to do the same. The only two to apply for the job was a damn drunk and a gay cowboy. She decided it was safer to hire the gay cowboy. Now, this son-of-a-bitch did it all. While I was there, he not only kept the ranch running, he did the shopping, the cooking, the laundry, and anything else that needed done. (Thank "Howard" he didn't try to do me!)

Well, on my next to last night there, me and Miss Rita were alone in the den by the fireplace, drinking ourselves shit-faced on wine. She had given the gay ranch hand a night on the town as a token of her appreciation for his hard work. But as the night wore on, I could see her attitude change as we sat there drinking. I couldn't figure out if she was getting pissed or worried about him not returning. It got to be midnight, then 1:00 am, then 2:00 am. I finally couldn't stand her bitching and complaining anymore and excused myself and stumbled up the stairs, intending to go to bed. I was just finishing draining the ol' lizzard when I heard the gay cowboy come through the front door. I eased over to the top of the steps and watched the scene that was about to play out below me.

"You're really late!" she started. "I'm sorry, ma’am", he answered.. "I lost track of time".

"Well, now that you're here, please unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. Trembling, he did so.

"Now take off my boots". Again, he proceeded to do so.

"Now take off my socks, please". He did.

"Now remove my skirt", she said. He slowly unbuttoned it and let it fall to the floor, all the while watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now please take off my bra". With a trembling hand, he did as he was told.

"Please remove my panties", she told him. "Please, ma’am", he moaned. "Do it!" she screamed. Almost crying now, he slowly eased them off.

She then looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired, you son-of-a-bitch!"

I stumbled back to my bedroom laughing my ass off as quietly as I could.

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: February 2, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Well, for those of you on my mailing list, you know I spent this week off in Las Vegas while Mingo helped Brenner with his oldies-but-moldies show. For those of you not on the mailing list, damn it! You're on the goddamn website! Send me your email address and I'll add you to the list! Jeezus!

I'm back from Vegas. Actually brought some of their money back with me! I'll tell ya, I drank my whole email address book's share of drinks, too. One week-long drunk. But you see, I had to stay drunk. My first night there, I lost all my money. Some of you came through with some dough (thank Howard!) and I turned it into a week's stake. Turns out I found myself a sugar-momma to stay with for the week. You know. One of them retired dancers who took a liking to me. Her name was Rita. She was somewhere around 60, uglier than dog shit, tits wrinkled up and hanging to her knees, nearly as fat as my goddamn wife, but well trained in taking care of somebody, if you know what I mean. I had to stay drunk just to get through the week and keep up with what she knew. And holy shit, was the week ever going great. Gambling when I wanted to with her money and keeping the winnings. Sex at all times of the day or night. Great food when ever I wanted it. Show tickets to anything I wanted to see. This old broad knew all the ropes.

Then last night she asks me, "Ever had a 'Las Vegas Doubleshot'?" I drunkingly replied, "I don't know what the hell it is, but I know for sure if it ain't booze, I've never had it!"

She said, "It's a mother-daughter 3-some."

I said, "Well, hell's fire, honey! I ain't never, but let's do it." I hadn't met her daughter, yet, but all I could think of was that if she knew what her momma knew, I was gonna leave Vegas a happy son-of-a-bitch!

So, I hit the shower, got myself half-sober, and readied myself for a night I always dreamed about. By now it's 3:00 AM. We frove through downtown Vegas, into the north east side, and pulled into a run-down apartment complex. All I could think about was how good Rita must have looked in her heyday and how good her daughter probably looked today! She parked the car and we got out. She got out a key, opened the door to one of the apartments, flipped on the light, and hollered up the stairs, "Momma, you awake?"

I've never left Vegas with bluer balls, a bigger hangover, more shit on my face, and so sexually wore out in my life.

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: January 26, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. My damn wife was riding in the elevator in a tall building downtown the other day, when she suddenly realized ... she needed to fart. She held it as long as she could... then she thought, the music on the elevator was really loud... so she timed her farts with the beat. When she got to her floor, the other people were really staring at her, and that's when she realized... she'd been listening to her iPod.

Dumb bitch!

BLOG: January 23, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Well, we did it again. Remember that "girly bar Mingo, Brenner, Big Boy and I met at and tipped the dancer a few weeks ago... the one where wise-ass "Big Boy" ran off with our money? Well, last night we met there again. The broads were ugly as sin and were flat-chested to beat hell! We all four sat there and drank ourselves shit-faced stupid. Somewhere around 3:00 am, we all left. The next day, we met at the Waffle House and started arguing about who got the drunkest.

Brenner said, "I was the drunkest. As soon as I walked in the door at home, I blew "chunks" 3 times!"

Big Boy said, "Hey, I was drunker than that. I got caught speeding and got a DUI!"

I said, "Shit! That ain't nothing! I wrapped my car around a tree and demolished the son-of-a-bitch!"

Mingo said, "That ain't nothing. I got home, got in a fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, started a fire, and burned the whole house down!"

Brenner stood up and said, "Guys, I don't think you understand! "Chunks" is my DOG!"

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: January 14, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I was driving down I-70 the other day when one of my favorite songs came on the radio. I started singing along and playing dashboard drummer when I notice an Ohio State Patrol Car right on my ass with his goddamn "disco lights" on. I also noticed that my speedometer read 90 mph. Well, I pulled to the side of the road, rolled down my window, and waited for "ass-hole in a hat" to arrive. When he got to the window I asked, "Is there a problem officer?"

He said, "Sir, you were speeding." I said, "Oh, I see."

He said, "Can I see your license?" I said, "I'd love to show you, officer, but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?", he asked surprised. "No, sir!", I said. "I've lost it 3 times for drunk driving."

"I see." , he replied. "Then can I see your registration?" I smiled and said, "I can't do that either, officer."

"And why is that?", he asked.

"Because I stole this car!"

"You stole it?", he gasped.

"Yes I sure as hell did!" I replied. "Not only that, I killed and hacked-up the owner!"

"You what?" he screamed.

"His body parts are in a plastic bag in the trunk", I told him. With that the officer slowly backed up to his cruiser and immediately called for back-up. Within 5 minutes I was surrounded by 5 more State Patrol cars. After they all huddled together and discussed the situation, the senior officer approached my car with his gun drawn, pointing it right at me.

He said, "Sir, could you slowly step out of your vehicle, please?"

I stepped out and said, "Is there a problem, officer?"

"One of my officers told me you have no license, stole this car, murdered and hacked-up the owner, and stuffed him into a plastic bag and put him in the trunk."

"You're shittin' me!", I gasped.

"Yes, sir!", he said. "Would you please open the trunk of the car?" I opened the trunk and revealed nothing but an empty trunk.

"Can I see your license?" he asked. I immediately got out my wallet, removed my license and handed it to him.

He checked it, handed it back, and asked with a puzzled look, "Is this your car, sir?"

"Yes it is, officer. Here's the registration and proof of insurance", I said handing him both documents.

"Thank you, sir", the officer said with a puzzled look on his face. After calling in and finding out everything was in order, he walked back up to me and said, "I don't understand, sir. One of my officers told me that you didn't have a license, stole this car, murdered and hacked-up the owner, and stuffed him in the trunk."

I smiled and said, "I'll bet the lyin' bastard also told you I was speeding, too, huh!"

With that he dropped his head and said, "Have a nice day, sir."

I drove off, smiling, singing, and dashboard drumming the hell out of my steering wheel!

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: January 4, 2009 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. Just thought I'd catch you up on a little "happening" during Mingo and my first week off in 2009. I call Mingo on his cell phone about midnight. Then I called Brenner and Tim. We decided to go drinking in Dayton and met up in one of them "girly" places. There was a bachelor party there, sitting right up front. We sat there and drank beer and reminisced. We were all getting pretty shit-faced, and I said, "Watch me impress these bachelor assholes!"

I walked up to one of the dancers with huge tits, got out a $10 bill, licked it and stuck it on a nipple! Well, Mingo, not wanting to be out-done, gets out a $20 bill, walks up to the dancer, licks the bill, and sticks it on her other nipple. Then, Mister Money-Bags Brenner gets out a $50 bill, walks up to the dancer, licks the fifty, and sticks it over her belly-button. We all looked over at Tim to see if he was gonna top the $50...

Well, Big Boy looked at us, chugged the rest of his beer, reached into his wallet, and got out his ATM card… walked up to the dancer, smiled and licked the ATM card, then swiped it between her tits, grabbed the 80 bucks, turned to us and waved, then the asshole got in his car and went home.

No wonder I was always pissed-off at him!

BLOG: December 29, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! I thought I'd let you in on my New Year's resolutions.

THINGS TO LIVE BY IN 2009

Howard, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and...

The ability to hide the goddamn bodies of the assholes I had to kill because they pissed me off.

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today... and make sure they aren't connected to an ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% to my bitchy wife...

• 12% on Mondays

• 23% on Tuesdays

• 40% on Wednesdays

• 20% on Thursdays

• 5% on Fridays

And Howard, always help me to remember... when I'm really having one of those bad days... and it seems that people are just trying to piss me off... it takes 42 muscles to make a frown... and only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger and say, "Up Your Ass!"

Love... Up Your Ass... and Happy 2009!

BLOG: December 25, 2008 - Grovor's special Holiday Blog!

BLOG: December 22, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! Since it's Christmas time, I'd like to recite my favorite Santa story: One fine day in the North Pole, Santa found out that four of his elves got sick. The replacement elves were trainees and didn't produce as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. That was when Mrs. Claus informed him that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When Santa went to harness the reindeer, he found that Rudolph was drunk-on-his-ass, three of the reindeer had the shits, four more had jumped the fence and were who-knows-where, and one was laid up in bed with a whore-deer!

Then as Santa began to load his sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked and his bag of toys fell and scattered all over the ground.

Pissed, Santa went into the house for a cup of cider and a shot of rum. But as he opened the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the damn cider and hidden the booze. In his frustration, he dropped the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. When he went to the closet for the broom, he found that the mice had eaten all the straw off of it!

Just then the doorbell rang and a red-faced, pissed-off Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and hollered, "Who the hell is it?" There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel smiled and said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a glorious day? I've brought you a lovely tree to brighten your holiday. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And that is what began the Christmas tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Up Your Ass and Bah Humbug!

BLOG: December 10, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! I recently got bored hanging around the house and decided to spend a day with my son-in-law, Kevin. He's an okay kid, but kinda dumb (as in dumb-ass!) He works as a roofer and asked me if I'd like to help him on a house he was doing that week. Now I hate physical labor with a passion. (That's why I work with a hand up my ass!) But to please my bitchy wife and dumb-ass Kevin, I agreed.

So there I was, hanging on the side of a slanted roof, 25 feet off the ground, in 20-degree weather, pounding nails into shingles! I got to thinking… if I throw every other nail away, I'd only do half as many shingles as Kevin. So, I'd get a nail out, throw it over my shoulder, then get another one out and pound it in. When dumb-ass saw me, he said, "What the hell are you doing?" Now I didn't want to piss him off so I said, "Well the ones I pull out that are pointing at me are defective, so I throw them away." Kevin gives me that "what-are-you-stupid?" look and says, "You dumb-ass! They aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

And he called me a dumb-ass!!!??!??

BLOG: December 2, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I woke up this morning not knowing whether to be pissed off or scared shitless! You see, I had this dream… or was it a nightmare… anyway, I gotta tell ya about it: I dreamed I was a dick. You know, a tallywacker. A wallywanger. Mr. Happy. A Penis. A godamn dick! And to make it worse, I thought I was doing a great job as a dick, and so I asked my boss for a raise.

I told him I needed a raise because:
• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge head first into everything I do.
• I don't get weekends or holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark area with poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to diseases.

Well, my boss turned down my request for the following reasons:
• You don't work 8 straight hours.
• You work in short bursts and fall asleep after each brief work session.
• You don't stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You don't take the initiative and need to be pressured and stimulated to start working.
• You leave your workplace messy at the end of each shift.
• You don't always observe safety regulations, such as wearing protective clothing.
• You will retire long before you are 65.
• You cannot perform double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated area before you have completed your assignment.
• And last but not least, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace area carrying 2 suspicious-looking bags.

Then I woke up. And, to make matters worse, not only did I have a "wet dream", but I'd pissed all over myself. Ain't that the shits!

Love and ""Up Your Ass"

BLOG: November 27, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. I laughed my ass off at this! Here's my friend Chet doing some Christmas decorating on his lowhangers:

Ever hear his song? You know... "Chet's Nuts, Roasting on an Open Fire!"

BLOG: November 24, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here. While Mingo went to Florida to caddy for them damn golfers, I went to Florida to see my old buddy Rick. He just retired from Pepsi Cola where he drove a truck. Poor son-of-a-bitch has taken to spending all his time at the bars, drinking himself "ass-holed". I went with him one night, and he walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye," (he lost an eye wrestling with an alligator in the everglades). The bartender laughs and says, "Okay, nobody can do that". So Rick pops out his glass eye, sticks it in his mouth and bites it. The bartender didn't like it, but paid the bet. A bit later, Rick walks up to the bartender again and says, "Bartender, I'll bet you another $50 I can bite my left eye". The bartender says, "Well, I saw you walk over here, so you can't have two glass eyes!" The bartender took the bet, and Rick takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender was pissed, but again paid the $50.

We drank for another hour or so, then Rick walks over again to the bartender and says, "Okay bartender, I'll give you a chance to get your money back. I'll put a glass on the bar way over there… and I'll stand way over here… and I'll piss… and I'll bet you $100 I can hit that glass and not spill a drop". Well, the bartender thinks a for a moment, then takes the bet. Rick puts the glass on one end of the bar, climbs up on the other end, opens up his fly, gets "Mr. Happy" out, and pisses all over the bar about 2 feet in front of him, not coming close to the glass. The bartender starts laughing and says, "Hot-damn, I won my money back"! Then he asked, "Why'd you make such a stupid bet and give me all my money back"? Rick just laughs and says, "You see that little green guy over there", pointing at me. "I just bet him $200 that I could stand up on your bar, piss all over it, and make you laugh"!

The asshole! Guess who I ain't visiting again for awhile!

BLOG: November 16, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! It's Sunday aftenoon. I turned on the TV today to watch football, and instead there was some news show talking about the damn election. Then, they go to a commercial and they're talking about Viagra and Cialis. Election. Erection. Election. Erection. Either way, somebody's getting screwed!

BLOG: November 12, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! Well, my week off is over, and as it turns out, I'd rather have been performing for the damn drunks! You see, my fat-assed wife was having a birthday so I went out shopping for a present. The bitch always hates everything I get her, so I decided to get her something she could use. I got her a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser!

To make a long story short, I loaded 3 AAA batteries in the damn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was pissed! But if I pressed it against something metal and pushed the button, I got this blue spark between the prongs.

So… I'm alone, sitting in my boxer shorts in my Laz-Ee-Ass recliner, watching football. During halftime, I dug out the taser instructions and started reading, thinking to myself I had to try this damn thing out on something! My dog was laying on his rug, but gave me this "I dare ya, asshole!" look when I started his way. Okay, not him. My wife's mangy-ass cat was on the window sill. Yeah, I thought. There's my tester! But it took off the second I started towards it. Damn cat! All I could think about was I had to try this out on something cause if I gave it to the wife and it didn't work, my ass was grass!

The instructions said that a one-second burst would "shock and disorient your assailant;" a two-second burst would "cause muscle spasms and major loss of bodily control;" and a three-second burst would make your assailant "flop around on the floor like a fish out of water!" I looked at this little thing in my hand and thought to myself, "No way!" So with the second half kick-off minutes away, my dog glaring at me from his rug, and the cat nowhere in sight, I decided to give myself a short one-second burst to test it. I touched the prongs to my leg, pushed the button, and then…

JeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssChhrrriiiiiiiiiisssst!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure that Triple-H came in, picked me up from my recliner, and pile-drived me onto the floor! I vaguely remember waking up in a fetal position with tears in my eyes and piss in my boxers. I immediately noticed three things:
1): My nipples were on fire,
2): My nose hairs were burnt to a crisp, and…
3): My balls were gone!
A minute or so later, I collected what little wits I had, blew out my nipples, and looked around the living room. The recliner was upside down 10 feet from where it was before. My face felt like I'd been shot full of Novocain and I was drooling like a dog. Apparently I shit myself too, but I was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone! My hair was fried into a mohawk, my socks were melted on my feet, and my wife was standing in the doorway, laughing her ass off!

So if you ever try to test a taser, remember… there is no such thing as a "one-second burst" when you zap yourself. You will not let go of the damn thing until it falls out of your hand while your nipple catch fire and you shit your pants.

By the way, I'm still looking for my balls and am offering a reward for their safe return…

P.S. By the way, the bitch actually loved her gift and threatens me with it daily!

BLOG: November 4, 2008 - Hey Asswipes! GROVOR here! Thought I'd catch you up on Mingo and My's first three months of working again full-time at this shit. First of all, I gotta tell ya. My asshole is a bit tender as it's been ten years since Mingo's been shoving it up there full time. But don't worry, as time passes, I'll still hate working with a hand up my ass and piss on all you sons-a-bitches who think it's funny! By the time you read this, we'll have voted into the white house a new "stick-it-in-our-ass" man. We all may as well bend over! Don't matter who we put in there, we all gonna get screwed! So may as well grab our knees, stick our ass in the air, and get ready! We've got one more month of shows coming up. Hope you all can stop by and see one of them. I say 1 month because that leads us to December and all that shitty music Mingo starts singing and Christmas with family and sticky, smelly, little kids and presents I have to buy for people I don't give a shit about and I swear to Howard - (you know Howard)(Andy Howard?) (Haven't seen my show yet, huh?) - if I could skip straight to New Years Eve, I'd do it! The one night we all have an excuse to get "ass-holed" (shit-faced) and nobody gives a shit! That's enough for now...Ya'll check out the performance page and come see us and I'll talk at ya next month! Till then, "Up Your Ass" -

P.S. "BLOG????" What the hell is a "BLOG?????" "Blog" is the sound your ass makes two hours after dinner at Taco Smell!

Bite my BLOG, bitch!

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